


But Can You Sail With That Weight?

by AutumnPen



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Birthday, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, sort of alludes to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 09:45:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10874199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnPen/pseuds/AutumnPen
Summary: Gon doesn't know what he wants for his birthday. But then again, recently Gon's not been sure what he wants on any given day.





	But Can You Sail With That Weight?

**Author's Note:**

> This was sort of a last-minute effort to post something in time for Gon's birthday, but it grew so big that I didn't have time to edit it and post it on 5/5. Influenced a lot by talking with folks about Gon's self worth issues and thinking about how that would affect him as he got older. There's nothing very explicit about it here, but I do feel like Gon would maybe start having to deal with depression on and off as he got older, especially in the form of losing interest in things, feeling sluggish and aimless, less motivated, and just being less sure of himself.
> 
> Made a point to end things on a hopeful note, though, because Gon has a lot of people around him willing to help him and who love him. And because - Yes. Yes, you can.

It's months ahead of time when Mito first starts asking Gon what he wants for his birthday.

“I can't believe you're going to be seventeen this year,” she tells him one evening at dinner. She lifts her gaze from her meal as she says it, looking directly at Gon. For a moment, that's all she does, is look at him – two pairs of brown eyes locked across the kitchen table while Gon's fork is poised above his plate and Mito's hand is curled around her glass. Gon can almost see what she's thinking, can see that even when he's twenty or thirty or forty she will still look at him and see him as her baby. Then, she blinks. She blinks a few times, actually, in rapid succession – either pulling herself from her thoughts or pushing back a swell of emotion she doesn't want to show while they're all gathered here for a meal. She smiles, and asks, “What do your want for your birthday?”

Gon rolls his shoulders. “I dunno,” he answers. He drops his gaze to his plate, spears a bite of food with his fork. He doesn't lift it to his mouth yet.

“You don't know?” Mito echoes, her brows lifting.

Gon lifts his gaze again. “Mmm.” He lets his lips curve into a smile as he assures her, “You don't have to get me anything, Aunt Mito. It's fine.” There is a pull at his heart, almost like something heavy is tied to it. Gon doesn't pay it any mind, though. It's been there for a while and he hasn't figured out how to make it go away yet.

Mito's eyes narrow marginally, and now she's looking at him the way she used to when he was young and she was trying to figure out if he'd been telling little white lies again.

_'Gon, did you take a cookie from the pantry today before dinner?'_

_'No ma'am.'_

_'Gon, did you clean your room like I asked you to?'_

_'Yes ma'am.'_

Gon blinks and looks down to his plate again. It's not lying if he really doesn't know what he wants. At least – he doesn't know what Mito can get him, anyway.

“Well, there's still time yet before May,” he hears her voice from across the table. “I'm sure you'll think of something before then.”

Gon hums in response. He looks out the window. He sets down his fork.

He ignores the persistent pull at his heart.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mito keeps asking. She pokes and prods in a good-natured manner, smiling and considerate.

“Maybe I should just get you a pack of socks since you wear through yours so fast,” she tells him, teasing.

He knows she's teasing, knows she's just trying to get a reaction out of him. He even knows the sort of reaction she expects. Gon should put on an exaggerated pout and then laugh and say ' _Nooo, not socks, Aunt Mito,'_ like he might have a few years prior. He can't bring himself to do it. All Gon can manage is to smile and shrug his shoulders. Socks would be fine, he thinks, given how he can't think of anything better.

Gon knows she doesn't mean to, but her prodding just makes him feel bad. Not only does he not have an answer for her, but he just can't drum up the usual giddy anticipation for his upcoming birthday. He thinks, maybe, this is just part of growing up. Birthdays become less exciting – they lose the luster they had in childhood. It's harder to think of things you want. Eventually, it's just another day, barely distinguishable from any other. Nothing important, nothing worth a lot of fuss.

It's normal to feel this way. At least, Gon's pretty sure it's normal.

He doesn't tell Mito about it, though, because there's something sad in her eyes each time he tries to reassure her he doesn't need anything. He doesn't want to make her sad.

It only makes the heavy feeling inside him worse.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A little over a month before his birthday, Killua texts him:

_I don't think I'll be able to make it this year :(_

Gon texts back:

_That's okay! Don't worry about it. :)_

Killua worries about it, because Killua is a good friend. But Gon assures him that it's _fine_ – it's all fine. He understands that Killua can't always make it out to Whale Island. He understands that. Really, truly. Killua doesn't have to explain. It's fine. He's good. He hadn't assumed, or expected- He'd been lucky enough that Killua had come last year, after all.

Last year had been good, Gon remembers.

Last year had been- maybe a little awkward. But, really, mostly good.

When Killua had showed up, Alluka in tow, as a surprise for Gon a few days before his birthday, Gon had been in better spirits. Even before his best friend appeared, Gon remembers anticipating his birthday a little more. And then – like magic, like he was answering the birthday wish Gon hadn't even wished for yet – Killua appeared. Gon remembers running, remembers throwing himself at Killua. He remembers the feeling of Killua's arms coming around him as their bodies connected, the musical laughter in his ear. It had been the best surprise ever.

He and Alluka had spent just a shy of a week visiting. It had been fun, and enjoyable and.... not enough, if Gon is honest with himself. It hadn't helped that it was his first time seeing his best friend in person since they parted ways at the World Tree, either. There had been so much Gon had wanted to do, so much he'd wanted to tell Killua while he was here, and not enough time to do it, not enough time to figure out how to verbalize the confused jumble of feelings and half-formed thoughts inside him. Not enough time to work up the nerve to tell Killua about the pull inside him that he still doesn't completely understand.

Words are hard, Gon thinks. Not always, but sometimes. There are things he feels Killua deserves to be told. Things Gon has thought on a long time. But words are so hard sometimes. It's easy to tell Killua how amazing he is. Easy to look out, to observe, to open his mouth and tell things as he sees them. Not as easy to do the opposite. When it means he has to turn his attention inwards and sort out the mess inside himself, words escape him. There's just feeling – swells of emotions that feel too big for his body, or that carve him out empty and hollow, that make him feel like the core of a mostly-eaten apple. It's too much, or maybe too little, for any words to explain.

Like he can't explain to himself the heavy, pulling feeling in his chest. Sometimes it feels like his heart is a stone inside of him, pulling down and down. Sometimes, it feels like it pulls out – like there's a hook caught in him and someone's cast a line that is pulling him out towards them. Sometimes it's both. Gon doesn't know that he would classify it as pain. He's familiar with pain, after all. Intimately so. All the same, sometimes it's really close to that, really close to being a hurting feeling. Or maybe it's like being hungry – like the feeling when he's hungry but he doesn't know what he wants to eat. Or like the feeling when he's hungry but he doesn't want to eat at all because the thought of eating makes him somehow feel sicker. Logically, he knows that that feeling usually goes away when he gives in and eats something, but it's difficult to make himself do it all the same. And that knowledge doesn't help him to figure out how to ease the feeling in his chest.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mito takes the news that Killua won't be coming hard.

“Oh, honey,” she says to him, looking at him with slumped shoulders and her eyebrows knit together. Gon drops his gaze to the floor, finding it difficult to face her disappointment. “And we were so looking forward to seeing him and Alluka again.” There's a pause, then, “I'm so sorry.”

Gon rolls his shoulders. “It's fine.”

He feels couch cushions beside him dip as Mito sits next to him. “I know you miss him, though. It's been a long time since any of your friends came to see you.”

Gon swallows. He turns his head to look out the window. The sky outside is red and orange and purple. There's a tug in his heart, a weight in his heart. A hurt, a hunger.

Another pause, and then Mito adds on, “Or since you went to see any of them.”

Gon swings his gaze back to her. His lips part, but words don't come. He drops his gaze again.

There had been a short period of time, before Killua's visit last year, when Gon had left Whale Island. He thought he was ready to travel again. And, in a way, it had been fun. A nice change of pace. He'd gotten to see Leorio, and even Kurapika for the first time in what felt like ages.

After, though, he'd come back home. It had been fun, but it hadn't felt right. He'd spent so much energy on becoming a hunter, on finding Ging, and after that the world seemed like too big a place to wander around in without a sense of direction. It left Gon feeling disoriented. Like he was lost.

Had it been then that this feeling inside him had started? Wanting, but not knowing what he wants or how to get it. Maybe these feelings were left over from when he had his path clear before him – from when he had a goal and a plan on how to obtain it. Maybe the wanting, the hunger, the hurt, were somehow just leftovers. Something in him that never got satisfied. Something he's not sure he can satisfy.

In the end, he'd come back to Whale Island, back to what was familiar and safe. If nothing else, it was a place to be. A place where people want him. At least, he's always thought that. Is Mito trying to tell him he should leave again? Why? He lifts his eyes again.

Gon watches as Mito reaches towards him, her fingertips combing back wild pieces of his hair. “I love having you here,” she tells him.

Gon presses his lips into a firm line. He nods. He knows that. He thinks so, anyway.

“But,” Mito replies, taking a soft breath in. “I would also love to see you happy again.”

Gon's brow rumples together. He blinks, his lips parting. “I... I am happy, Mito,” he tells her. The words leave an unexpected sour taste in his mouth.

Mito's fingers work through his hair gently. She smiles, but her eyes are sad.

The weight inside him grows heavier. It feels like it's holding down his limbs as well.

Mito kisses his forehead, then tells him goodnight. She's going to bed early tonight.

Gon goes to bed early, too.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_The ocean is really pretty today._

\- a text Gon sends to Killua, with a photo attached, taken from where Gon sits alone at the end of a dock in town. It's really early morning. The sun is rising, but hidden by clouds – turning them pink and gold. The water glitters at Gon invitingly, although it will be really cold at this time of day.

Gon's legs, which have grown longer this year, swing over the end of the pier. He wonders if Killua is still taller than him. Last year, they'd been pretty close in height. Gon had teased Killua that he was going to catch up with him soon.

Gon can still hear Killua's dismissive scoff. _'Dummy,'_ he'd said. _'That'll never happen.'_

Sitting where he is now, it's also easy to remember the day he'd first boarded a ship to leave this place. There aren't any ships pulled into port at the moment, but Gon can imagine there are. It's easy enough. What's harder to imagine, for some reason, is getting up from where he's sitting and getting on one.

It feels like ages and ages ago – back before he'd gotten his hunter's license. He'd done so much back then. Certainly more than he finds himself doing now.

It feels like so many things have changed since then. More than just the length of his legs, too.

Gon thinks he scares easier now. He can't say why, but he does. He's lost something. Not just his nen, but maybe his nerve. His determination. Why else would it have been so easy for him, at twelve years old, to up and leave home when now the thought leaves him feeling all jittery and anxious? It makes him feel empty yet weighted down all at the same time. He can't leave – he's not even sure he should leave. Even though he thinks Mito was hinting that he should. Even though the twelve-year-old version of himself is somewhere inside, pushing.

_Where would you go?_ A voice inside him asks when he thinks about sailing away.

_I don't know_ , Gon replies, despite how a part of him still longs for- for something.

His phone chirps. He looks down. Killua has texted back:

_Looks perfect. I could just jump right in._

Gon smiles. He takes off his top and his shoes. He sets his phone carefully down next to them, and stands.

A deep breath to prepare himself for the plunge, and then he jumps.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gon's birthday brings many well wishes.

People all over the island call out to him throughout the day. He gets texts and emails from friends around the world. Mito makes his favorite dinner, and she and Abe make him a cake together. They sing 'happy birthday' to him.

Late at night, when he's sitting alone in his room, his phone rings.

It's Killua number. His heart thumps a little faster as he answers.

“Hel-”

He can't finish his greeting before two voices, loud and bright interrupt him.

“HAAAPPY BIRTHDAAAYYY!”

Killua and Alluka yell at him in perfect unison. Gon laughs, and they laugh too.

“You called!” He says, beaming even though they can't see.

Killua scoffs. “Of course we called! Even if we can't be there-”

“It's fine,” Gon says.

“Even if we can't be there,” Killua repeats, insistent, “I couldn't not call you.”

Gon bites his lip. “I... I appreciate it. I like hearing your voice.” He hears Alluka giggle. Hastily, he adds on, “Both your voices.”

“Gon!” Alluka's voice now, still colored with laughter. “How has your birthday been? Did you get lots of presents?”

Gon chuckles. “Mmm... Well, not really. Lots of people messaged me though! And Aunt Mito and Abe made cake... It's been good.”

“Oh man!” Alluka moans. “We missed cake, brother.”

Killua makes a similar disappointed noise. “Damn. Mito and Abe make really good cake, too.”

Gon grins down at his feet, tangled in the blankets as he sits with his back to his headboard. Hearing Killua's voice is much, much better than just texting. It's a better treat than cake, by far. He doesn't say that, though. Instead, he replies in a teasing tone, “There's still some left. I'll make sure to eat a piece for both of you.”

Twin cries of outrage and disappointment. Gon has to stifle himself as laughter bubbles up from his chest.

They talk late on into the night – later than Gon has been wont to stay up as of late, but it's worth it. Eventually, Alluka steps away and he has a moment where he's just talking to Killua.

“I'm really glad you called, Killua,” he admits, fingers plucking at the blanket he's pulled up into his lap. “This is the best birthday present.”

Killua sighs. “Woulda been better if I could've been there,” he says.

Gon frowns. The last thing that he wants is for Killua to feel badly about something he can't even help. “It's okay, Killua. I understand, I promise. I'm... I'm okay.”

“I mean, but.. it's your birthday,” Killua says. His tone loses some of the brightness it's kept as they've talked. “And, well... I really wanted to see you, too.”

All at once, Gon's throat goes hot. He swallows. The weight in his chest, which he'd almost forgotten about, feels like it's back again. Or at least he's just aware of it again. “... I want to see you too,” Gon manages to admit, his voice a little strained.

There's a pause on the other end. Gon holds his breath – the better to hear Killua's through the slight static.

Finally, Killua speaks. “I miss you,” he says.

Gon doesn't expect the tears. But they come, sudden and strong. They well up in his eyes and blur his vision, and before he even think to blink them away they're spilling over his cheeks, plopping onto his hand and his blanket. Gon takes a shaky breath in, his ribs hurting. “I-” Gon bites his lip, unable to go on any further before a choked sob forces its way out of him.

“Gon?!” Killua's panic is clear, even through the phone. “Are you- Shit, Gon, are you crying? What's wrong?”

“N-nothing,” Gon manages, even as his shoulders shake.

“Bullshit,” Killua replies, his tone softer than his choice of words. “Gon, what is it? You can tell me.”

“It's n-nothing, Killua,” Gon replies, only to have Killua call his name in a firm, scolding tone. So, he tries. Words are hard, but he tries. Through his tears, he tries. “I-it's just... I dunno. Things feel.. weird and.. Like. Sometimes things are... are too much. But other times not? Like, other times it's not... enough? And- and... I think I u-upset Mito 'cause I could never- never tell her anything I wanted for my birthday and... and... I miss you too, and...” Gon takes a deep, gasping breath in. He sniffles. His face feels hot. This is so embarrassing. “I-I'm not making any sense. S-sorry.”

There's a long pause on the phone. “...I dunno. Sorta makes sense to me, Gon.”

Gon's insides flutter all at once. He doesn't understand what that's all about, but he does grasp that something like relief and something like hope are stirring inside him. “It... it does?”

“Mmm.” Killua hums an affirmative. “I mean... Well, the part about Mito getting you something for your birthday- that's kinda. I dunno. Specific to you. And I'm sure she's not upset about that, besides.” Gon takes a shuddering breath in, trying not to sound too loud as he tries to reel himself back in. “But the other parts... They make sense. Sounds like you got a lot on your mind, at least. You wanna talk about it?”

Gon rolls his shoulders, then remembers Killua can't see. “I dunno. It's hard to, like... I don't even know how to say most of it.”

Another hum. “Well... You know I'm here if you need me. I mean, I know I'm not always... easy to contact, but.”

It's Gon's turn to hum. “Mmm. Yeah... I... Thanks, Killua.” A few tears fall down his cheeks still. But it seems that his sudden burst of crying is nearly over.

“You don't have to thank me, dummy,” Killua says.

“I know...” Gon swallows. “I think I... I think I feel a little better now, after...” Gon bites his lip. He doesn't want to say 'after crying'.

Killua finishes for him, “After letting it out a bit?”

“Mmm, yeah.”

“Kay. That's good.”

There's a quiet, then, that falls over their phone call. But it's a good sort of quiet, an easy sort of quiet. It's sort of nice, just being in one another's company even when they're far apart.

Gon looks out his window. There's a tugging at his heart.

He remembers Mito sitting next to him, hears her voice again -

' _I know you miss him...'_

_'It's been a long time since any of your friends came to see you._

_Or since you went to see any of them.'_

“Killua?” Gon breaks their long silence.

“Yeah, Gon?” Killua replies.

Gon feels anxious, but he takes a breath. “What if... What if I came to see you?” He squeezes his eyes shut. “Would that be.. would that be okay?”

For a moment, Killua doesn't reply. For a moment, Gon thinks he's overstepped some sort of boundary. His chest hurts.

Then, Killua makes a sound, like he's trying to speak but he's doing it too fast. He sputters, until, at last, he chokes out, “ _Would that be okay_?!” Then, a bright peal of laughter. “Would that be- Of course it would be okay! What are you, stupid?”

Gon opens his eyes, which are wet again, fresh tears lining his eyelids. He takes another breath, and it's like his lungs are filling properly for the first time in an age. Like the first gulp air after breaking the water's surface. He laughs. “Hahaha- I... I guess I am, sometimes. Maybe- maybe most of the time. You...you really wouldn't mind, Killua?”

“No, you idiot, I wouldn't mind,” Killua replies. The eagerness in his tone makes Gon feel like he's floating. “I would love that.”

“Me too,” Gon says, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. “I would love that too. I'll... I'll look at the shipping schedules tomorrow. I'll text you about it, okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, do that.”

There's a tug at Gon's chest, but he feels like he can move now. He thinks he knows where it's pulling him, and he wants to follow it.


End file.
